[the_monkey]

hey i like jack handys deep thoughts.
here are a few..thousand!

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered t hey were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that' s what her dinner tasted like.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.

Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an `afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.

To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind


I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.


One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.




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Maho: the online Comic

tradgedy is when i cut my finger.
comedy is when i fall down a manhole and die.

[Bradford]

another crack user.

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[email protected]
icq:3704871

[A.Buttle]

42

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[This message has been edited by your mutha (edited April 15, 197-deuce).]

Joe Dillingham
[email protected]
Three Times A Day

[Nex]

hehe, where are they from?

[the_monkey]

i donno where their from, but their funny.

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Maho: the online Comic

tradgedy is when i cut my finger.
comedy is when i fall down a manhole and die.

[elam]

Saturday Night Live?

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Elam
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"Name? Loc Dog. Age? 19. Sex? Hell yeah, nigga!"

[A.Buttle]

Definitely SNL. The early 90s golden years.

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Joe Dillingham
[email protected]

[This message has been edited by your mutha (edited April 15, 197-deuce).]

[shahar2k]

yup, read by the great Phil Hartman and there were about 3 times as many as there are here

[peter]

eh very great ! deep thoughts...

very funny...
especially the one about the scientist saying: "You know what will save the world? ..."

i d like to make a clip upon this idea (uncommercial, just for fun)... speeks anything against it ?

cheers
peter

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((( www.jzone.de )))

[Guy]

hahaha ah yes. good stuff

thanks for posting that

[Jerry]

I came in here thinking you were going to talk about my famous wallpaper.



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-KARN- Forever. Die? Never
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