[faustgfx]

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and

with research help from that renowned scientific

journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to

present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are

300,000 species of living organisms yet to be

classified, and while most of these are insects and

germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying

reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in

the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle

the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that

reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million

according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average

(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's

91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one

good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks

to the different time zones and the rotation of the

earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems

logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with

good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,

hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the

stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the

tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up

the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to

the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8

million stops are evenly distributed around the earth

(which, of course, we know to be false but for the

purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now

talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of

75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most

of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus

feeding and so forth. This means that Santa's sleigh is

moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of

sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made

vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a

poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer

can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting

element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more

than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is

carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is

invariably described as overweight. On land,

conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1)

could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do

the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200

reindeer. This increases the payload - not even

counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight

of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second

creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the

reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft

reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of

reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.

Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame

almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind

them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26

thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be

subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater

than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems

ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his

sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on

Christmas Eve, he's dead now!



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sky high with a heartache of stone you never see me 'cos i'm always alone

[email protected] /
icq#35983387

[skyediver]

That's hilarious. Who in the world took the time to calculate all that... Of course, they're forgetting how many helpers Santa has. =)

------------------
came out to watch you play/ why are you running away...

[Tron]

I enjoyed it.
Thank you

[[Shizo]]

boredom..

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Nothing really matters to me

[Freddio]

so what are you trying to say?

Santas not real?

[faustgfx]

yep.



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sky high with a heartache of stone you never see me 'cos i'm always alone

[email protected] /
icq#35983387

[Ben Barker]

You forgot one thing: Santa is magic.

[A.Buttle]

You forgot one thing: Santa doesn't exist.

[Ben Barker]

If you're a little kid he does. And that's where magic comes in. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[Lukias]

What do you mean Santa's not real..?.....
.............."MUMMMM!!"

[Impaler]

Your using the AmericanDisney-distortomatic facts about Santa, good faustgfx.

Santa lives not at the North Pole.

He lives on the moon with his wife, Frau Brust Claus.

He has a taskforce of 1.2 million Japanese workers from several independent coroporations (Tiger Electronics, Mattel, Microsoft) that spend 363 days a year assembling, marketing and distributing products to the proper dispensaries.

He, of course, uses the Internet to monitor children's behavorial cycles whilst they sleep and act out their daily activities.

Using the newest database software, his tech team has constructed a magnificent resourse basin comprised of all of the children in the world. He has a bio on each and every one of them, including a psychological synopsis from 3 of the foremost psychologists.

Using this information, he assigns gifts as appropriate to his gift relay teams.

The gift relay teams then distribute the gifts to the reperesentative parts of Santa's quasi-metaphysical-quantum-leap-hyperbolic-warp spaceship. The fuel for this spaceship you ask? Reindeer.

Santa hops in the captain's chair on Christmas eve, orders his Japanese pilots to take off, and heads down to Earth. He zooms around the planet's surface, using cannons to shoot the presents down the chimney.

Milk and cookies, of course, are the main part of a Japanese diet. The specially trained Santa Ninja department shimmy down the chimney and steal said milk and cookies, taking them back to the moon.

Santa finishes in approximately 12.73 minutes. He heads back to the moon soon after to have some amazing geschlecht with his frau and relax for two days.

And that is the story of Christmas.

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My signature is slightly better than yours.

[Starseed]

Haha Impaler.

The truth is, Santa isn't a person, but the personification of an idea. Given the way we all know that Santa gets his presents under the Christmas tree, this definition holds true.

Otherwise . . . I wouldn't be able to believe in Santa Claus and I would live a miserable life.

-mt

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everything is relative

[Giant Hamster]

SANTA CLAUS

to

SA(N)<->(TA) CLAUUS

equals

SATAN CLAWS!

actually, Santa Claus IS real...Mrs.Claus isnt. he just made her up.

...boredom, aint it grand...

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-JameZ the Giant Hamster-

The Hamster Alliance
AIM: Gianthmstr
Multimedia Producer/designer/all of the above.,overall guru :)...and music music music! weee!!