[[Shizo]]

I find my character to be very weak and lazy. I'm trying to fight these things in myself for YEARS!

THere is some improvement, i think.. but i'm not sure if these changes would take effect if i didn't do anything different, and just went with the flow.
Basically, now i improved in self-confidence and became more aggressive. Before i used to be a classic helpless momma's boy who couldn't stand up for himself and answered to aggressive people in a quiet voice.. I was always lazy.. it's strange, but when im at work or at school, i dont feel lazy. I want to do things. But when i come back home, i just sit on computer and forget all my enthusiasm that i had at work.

I even started writing down things on paper that i need to do at home (cause i cant do them at work, or i have no time). And when i get back home, i just want to relax and not do anything..

These are some things that i'm trying to defeat in myself. This weakness in me is really not letting me achieve everything i want too. I lost my kickboxing tournament besically because i was afraid to hurt the other guy (while he was trying to kill me!) and i thought doing martial arts would help me defeat this sh*t in myself.. well it did, but not to the extent that i hoped for.
And also, i like to sing.. loudly, and DANCE! But i am so embarrassed by other people, that i cant do it. Im just too sensitive to what will they think around me I know that everyone successful doesn't give a crap about other people, and that's why they sing loudly and do whatever they want. I want to get to that level too sometime...
PS: im not that bad in that sense.. with people that i know, and i'm comfortable with, i act natural, and without worry.
PS2: For example i sing in the car real loud.. and when i stop at red light, i start looking around, make music real quiet.. and just act WEAK AS HELL!
PS3: however, at least i started not caring how people look at me while i train at work... i work as a parking valet at a casino garage, and i started doing pullups on water pipe downstairs (where customers pass by and see me lol) and situps near the valet booth (the guys laugh at me .. moo!) and i do some jumps over obstacles when i run to get the car. The bums that i jump over usually go "WHOOAAAA!!!" every time! LOL!! So there is a funny part to this too.
PS4: Maybe my feminine nature has something to do with it.. many of my firneds thought that im gay (even my mom and girlfriend!!! lol). But on the example of Nong Toom (Thai kickboxer who became a woman later in life) it doesnt matter.. still can have a strong character if you're fema-nized like me. This part, by the way, gives me more taste and feel about things than to average macho men who lie on the couch and watch football with beer in their hand.. I guess there are good things and bad things to everything.

Anyway, gotta run to work.

I dunno if anyone even cares to read this bull-poop that i wrote. lol
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bye.

[Nilwort]

I think it makes sense Shizo. I can relate to the "fighting your character thing." A lot of people do this. Why do we do it? Is it a nasty byproduct of our consumerist/capitalist culture and the media? It is a natural reaction to some of the unnatural situations that modern society creates for us? Or something more personal?

I think what it really comes down to is not fighting your character and learning to love it. Other people can sense it when you are not happy with yourself and they will believe you. After all, are you not the foremost authority on the subject? It is far more worthwhile to look at who you are and feel comfortable with it no matter how screwed up it all seems in comparison to your ideal. If you find yourself trying to be a certain way, but just getting stressed out or pissed off and not changing, then it really doesn't make a lot of sense to be doing it. Unless, of course, you enjoy being stressed out and pissed off (some do).

I don't know if you're familiar with it, but in Buddhist thought there is this thing called "self-cherishing." The idea goes that the concept of "self" brings people more suffering because it acts like a magnet for taking things personally. Statements like "I am ugly," "I am wrong," or "I am the one who should've known better," all are centered on the concept of "I." It is difficult to explain, but it can be a very liberating idea.

There is some info about it here. I'm not suggesting you go out and become a Buddhist monk, but I think that when you feel down about stuff it helps to try anything you can to feel better (within reason of course, that means lay off the heroin).

[balistic]

I can totally relate, Shizo.

I'm kind of a smallish dude. 5'8", 130-150 lbs. Tiny hands. Not super good-looking. Sometimes I get intimidated dealing with big, confident motherfuckers. I trip over my words, say things I shouldn't . . . I catch myself avoiding eye contact sometimes.

The thing is, I wasn't always like this. Back in junior high and highschool I used to always get asked to MC school functions, and I was the captain of the science and academic teams. Nerdy, yeah, but I still managed to go out with a lot of attractive girls.

I think I lost something about three years ago when the first studio I worked at went under. I thought I'd be able to just hop on over to Pixar like it was nuthin.

Pixar took six months to send me a rejection letter.

I was stuck in a place I hated (Utah), in the middle of winter, in a shitty apartment, with no income, surrounded by a bunch of ex-girfriends I couldn't stand.

Even though I've been working on a feature film now for two years, and even though I've sold a few freelance illustrations for over a grand, even though I'm in a much cooler city, I'm still missing that part of my confidence I lost back in Utah.

I'm ten times the artist and musician I was back then, yet I still feel a little meek and timid.

I know where you're coming from. It means you're human

You'll go far dude. Don't feel like you have to climb the ladder too fast.
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brian.prince|light.comp.paint

[[Shizo]]

Aiya... i love you guys!!! *HUUUUUG* =^______^=

I'll read that buddhist article, Nilwort. Sounds like food for thought. And also.... Shaolin Buddhist Monks don't exist!!!!!!!!!!! It took me 1 year of living in the mountains with people who call themselves monks to find that out. I know that's not what you were talking about, but i thought i'd just mention for fun

I do realize that the point is that when you are self-confident, it's a natural thing. You don't start out embarrassed and then say to yourself "ok, it's time to pull myself together and face those bastards who just pushed me away!"
An example would be.. me in highschool. Some kids were naturally relaxed and self-confident. Not me though! I always felt singled out and feeling like an outsider (not normal). Being a fresh immigrant didn't help, and culture shock is a thing that lasts a few years.

Another thing, is that i thought i always get into embarrassing situations (which im gonna start writing down soon.. they're funny). And i think and worry about these things for months.. But i noticed that "normal" people get into embarrassing situations just as much as i do, except they throw it off and forget about it in 2 minutes.

Oh yeah, i know all about that stuttering, saying wrong words.. It happens especially when you're nervous and not sure of your own words.
Maybe i have it in my genes, because my mom is also very ... spineless? Yes, and my dad too, so it's a double whammy right there.

And i also know that you can't tell yourself to suddenly be self-confident. However.. for example when an antisocial person is forced to spend time with people, talk to them and be with people in general, gradually he gets used to this and his antisocial issue at least softens.
So i think it's possible to train your character. For example if you're a weak nerd and you want to to strengthen your character, you can try picking on random bouncers and dealers on the streets for a year, and at the end you'll at least improve your strength of character a bit. Or maybe not... damn it lol


Oh yeah, bp... (err, recently i started to associate bp with a crazy indian guy at my work who doesn't speak very clear english.. so.. hehe).

I think we should just keep working in that direction where we're going. Before, i was dreaming of quick success and fame.. Now i realize that it's better to walk the whole road, instead of taking shortcuts. It's more interesting that way, and we're gonna get to the destination either way (we're too f*cking artistic and talented not to! lol). Maybe i didn't realize it, but accepted it... but in any case, i'm happy with how things are.

Keep in touch, my homedogs.

[roygbiv]

yo Shizo, I think it is possible to suddenly tell yourself to be self confident, it's very easy, you just convince yourself that what you want to do is right and disregard any of these prohibiting ideas without even thinking about them. It probably helps aswell if you are not afraid of death, like monks .
Also you don't need to be like fifty cent to have confidence, maybe in a gun battle this will help, but confidence is just a state of mind.

[eyewoo]

au contraire mon ami ... rather than just a state of mind, real confidence is based on solid self knowledge; knowing who you are, where you are and what your achievable goals are. Add courage to that confidence and there can and will be movement into a higher league or toward a higher place without diminishing the confidence..

[[Shizo]]

eyewoo, you're old and wise... TELL ME WHAT TO DO GODDAMMIT!!!
Because i don't understand what the hell you just said

[Impaler]

Read this post carefully, shizobum. I'm actually going to say something relevant for once.

All you really need to get through life is a sardonic smile.
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QED, sort of.

[roygbiv]

eyewoo I agree and disagree . It doesn't matter where you are physically, its where you are mentally that counts. you can have confidence in any situation with the right mentality, you might not achieve your goal physically, but you are more likely to if you have the mental confidence to try.

it depends on what you want in life

[[Shizo]]

Hehe Impaler, i feel you. I had to actually look up "sardonic" in the dictionary, but after that i could feel you bro...

By the way, mentality definately "drives" your body. For example, when i see a barrier in front of me, and mentally im not sure if i can jump over it.. there is a big chance that i will trip and fall over it. But if mentally i have a confident picture that you can jump over it, your whole body will be "under control" of your mind to jump over it. So there is a much bigger chance that you will make it.
Same thing with backflips and pretty much anything you do.
It's hard to explain, but you should try it sometime

[Ragnarok]

Shizo, I feel you. I'm constantly trying to improve myself.
I believe in change, it's a combination of time, force of will and determination.
I'm not a confident guy, but sometimes I try to appear one. It's interesting to see how that can make you a bit more confident.

roygbiv, I think what you say doesn't differ much from what eyewoo said.
I agree with you eyewoo, and try to get to that. However I've observed it's easier as you get older. With age your personality becomes more rigid and you accept yourself more, or at least that seems to be most of the time.
And I bet having children helps
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"Ever forward, my darling wind." -Master Yuppa
Seigetsu

[Sukhoi]

And then after we tried jumping some tall pointy object, we can come back to this thread and tell Shizo about it so he'll feel better.

I'm staying indoors!

[Tomasis]

shinzo, you should be a writer or comedian. You have good sense for humour. I always smile when I read something you write. I relate much of your experiences when I was younger. No confidence, always thinking what do other think, am I doing something wrong and so on.

I have to disagree with Impaler. If you can see your life from positive side, then you'll be able to live out on the same side. Though it takes some time to convert your mind to this. Reading about buddhism and eastern "philosophies" is always recommended! It is not about religion, thats basically some life experiences, understanding of human mind..

I believe you dont need worry about when you have humour in the hold. Why force on you such things if those are not such important which can destroy your mind calmness. I could always lie in the bed whole life :D without the walls and roof

[[Shizo]]

Thanks Tomasis.
You won't believe it, but on some Russian forum (about China) that i visit, some guy decided to organize "forum awards" and i'm coming first as "the jolliest member of the forum" LOL!
And the prize is.. a plane ticket Moscow-Beijing-Moscow (because the guy is a pilot), except i'm in Atlantic City, and not in Moscow

Why would a pilot give out a free plane ticket on a forum? I dunno, some russian people are just so hospitable like that.

[Tomasis]

Im glad that my view of you isn't wrong. Before checking your website, I didn't know that you have much connection to China. This is so nice. What do you think Wing Tsun as martial arts? I tried Wing Chun (it is like more modified to fighting sparring matches, more "boxing") then I longed for more pure Wing Tsun, hmm. I happen to live in the wrong town, hehe. I suppose that it is a lot more to choose one of many different martial arts in China, doesnt it?

Why dont ask about Beijing-Moscow-Beijing or give the ticket to a Russian friend if you happen to have one :)

[[Shizo]]

I really believe that you can become amazing in any martial art. Just like you can become amazing in any art if you practise it with dedication for a long time. Personally, i don't like any martial arts that are too traditional (a lot of "phylosophy" and rules behind them). Basically, i like freestyle kickboxing and acrobatics.

I gotta write an article about China and martial arts and everything.. cause my opinions are pretty contradictory to most peoples' beliefs.

As far as ticket, i'll probably give it to my old Russian classmate, who became an alcoholic over the years, so hopefully the trip will help him somehow.

And thanks for reading my junk, everyone. I hope we will all continue to improve our characters and actually SUCCEED in doing that.

Jah bless.

[Sampster]

I've found myself feeling like you many times, so I wanted to poke in and say good luck.

Also this is a bit of a rabbit trail, but I have to say something about the Eastern philosophy stuff...
A lot of ideas behind Eastern philosophy are great, but if you follow them to their ultimate conclusion they can't stand on their own.

I'm not going to give a world-view analysis here, just say that learning to appreciate parts of yourself is good, but don't take it too far. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that there are parts of you and me that are probably quite unlovable, and not very good or beneficial, it's good to try to change negative things about ourselves, and if you try to "embrace" everything you'd be embracing good parts of you, but also bad.

I'm really sorry if that was painfully obvious, I was just a little turned off by what I read about learning to embrace and love yourself, since that has a place, but it can only go so far.

[Nilwort]

[Lunatique]

One thing I've discovered is that as long as you are perfectly honest with yourself and the people around with about who you are, what you can or cannot do, the things you believe in, and what your dreams are, you should be able to feel totally comfortable around just about anyone (unless they are shifty and shady looking weirdos or dangerous criminals).

I can relate to Brian's thing a bit, but slightly different. I had a traumatic experience once a long time ago (around 94') that's still affecting me now. I was asked to jam with a really good metal band, and I really sucked as a guitarist then (I"m slightly better now). I tried to explain to them that I was really a keyboard player, but they wouldn't hear it (they thought I was being modest and wouldn't take no for an answer). I totally looked like an idiot that night, and ever since then, I've promised myself that I'll always make sure I'm good enough at something before I even dare to perform/show anything to anyone. That incident also made me want to reach pro level in everything I attempt to do. It's kind of insane, but I tend to feel that unless I can reach pro level, I'm basically just dicking around, and I'm not the type to dick around. If I decide to do something, I come out swinging hard.

Curerntly I feel pretty insecure as a drummer. Everytime I go to a pro audio/music instrument store, I see people who are better drummers than I am. I want to improve enough to not feel like the worst drummer in the store.

BTW Brian, I miss seeing your posts. You should post more.

[Brain]

Hey Shiz! *hugs* @:-D I insist on the article writing! I've always thought the journey you took was so interesting/inspiring that I could never learn enough about it.

I'll join in and say that I feel just like you do. And the writings given here can definitely give some guidance. Take it all, study it, understand and learn, my friend.
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Brain
http://www.artofbrain.com/

[[Shizo]]

Yo yo yo.. something happened today. I thought it would be entertaining for y'all to read

At work, we gotta go through a ticket gate in order to get into the garage to park a car. So today, i drive up there and see a bunch of cars standing in front of the gate in line. The dude at the first car is searching for a ticket inside his car, because it fell under the windshield.. People stand around trying to help him. At this point there were about 10 cars waiting.. So anyway, i came up there and said "yo, you gotta back out and let us park our cars. Then you can search for your ticket all you want" So i started walking back towards my car and yelling to people "BACK UP!! LET HIM GET OUT!" And then a miracle happened.. people actually started backing up and yelling to cars behind them to back up! Weeeeeee!! Now you gotta understand that normally i wouldn't do such things like yelling or even speaking loudly, especially to tell a bunch of people to do something.

I feel much more confident once i feel relaxed in my environment. I don't studder, stall, or say stupid things. When i'm relaxed, i'm fine.. But this doesn't happen often for me, and that is what i'm trying to improve on. Just feel comfortable everywhere i am, no matter what happens!
Peeeeeeace.

[Brain]

Booyah bro! @:-D
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Brain
http://www.artofbrain.com/

[eyewoo]

that is cool...
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