[Rat]

Anyone notice that most of the discussions lately have been either serious or logical/intellectual?

To break the pattern: what are some of the funniest quotes you've thought up/come across?

I have a couple:

Mom says to my sister: "Fuck Jesus Christ!"
I reply: "Why would she want to?"

One my nonna (grandma) says frequently: "Commere so I can hit you." (Italian accent)

I have a ton hidden in different places. I can't remember most of them. I can't remember any George Carlin quotes, even though I'm watching him on Bravo right now.

[Coaster]

"What boots up, must come down"

[Highfive]

"Very funny, Scotty! Now beam down my clothes."

[a_sh]

"Look behind you! A three headed monkey!"

[CyberArtist]

"Happiness is a loving wife and children, living in another city."

[Gimbal8]

"Never pet a burning dog."

Can't remember where I first heard that but it sure cracked me up. It's almost sublime.

[Vesuvius]

"less talk, more chalk!" -pokey the penguin www.yellow5.com

[mumpizz]

ok, here are a two for the germans. I don't dare to translate them.

"Nachts ist es k�lter als drau�en."

"Zu Fu� ist es weiter als �ber den Berg."

when you hear them spoken quickly and by the way you won't notice at the first moment that they don't make sense at all

[Awetopsy]

Guy #1: You are so GAY!!!

Guy #2: Oh yeah?!? Come here and Prove it!!!


Somebody here posted that one and I almost died laughing.

[[Shizo]]

"Don't quote me"

[Martin Rebas]

I like Jack Handey.

[edible snowman]

yeah awetopsy, you should have been there. actually this kid is famous for his retarded quotes. he has some more, but they're mostly inside jokes.

[RenaissanceGirl]

Family members: "Oh you're so beautiful... just like your mom! Doesn't she look just like her mom, Ricky?"

Dad [Ricky]: "Nah... not nearly. Lisa [my mom] is much more beautiful."

Me: "That's because I inherited some of your ugly genes, dad!"

[xXxPZxXx]

hrmm I have a couple that actually happened today but I think for both you kind of had to be there.


My friend Jake: "Hey Jim why in the hell do you have that safety pin in your hat?"

Jim (standing motionless with ugly baseball cap that has 1 safety pin in it. In 100% monotone) "cause it's cool"

Yeah ya had to be there

Another one I heard "do you think gay guys find me attractive?" -from one of my guy friends

-PZ-

[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: xXxPZxXx ]

[Gimbal8]

This was in a newspaper some years ago about the worst things teachers have seen kids write in english class or something.

"Her eyes were like two brown circles with black dots in them."

bwhahaha. I wish I thought of that.

[CyberArtist]

Just remembered another one.

"I get laid almost every day; I almost got laid monday, almost on tuesday, almost on wednesday ..."

[Rat]

Here's another one:

"_______'s got the mentality of a Teletubby (only not so developed)."


By the way Canada won Gold in women's hockey! Yaaaaay! (that ref was an asshole).

[CyberArtist]

That reminds me of a Shakespear sonet.

quote:

---

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red.
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go:
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

---

Slightly better writen than "brown circles with black dots in them" (he must be a true romantic, lol!), but same kind of blatent objectivism.

[Coaster]

Similar to rats:
"An intellect rivaled only by the best of garden tools"

I think I've used that on her sister or something.. or at least I was comparing her mental ability to something stupid. Either way it was funny at the time.

[Rat]

Coaster: In out family we use "bag of hammers" to describe her.

This is a quote off a chain letter my mom got:

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

And another:

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

There are tons more. They're all really long, though, and I'm too lazy to type them out.

[Rat]

And here's another I found rather funny (somewhere around here on a very serious topic):

Of course the government is corrupt, it is a government after all.

I forget who said this, and I don't think they meant it to be funny, but to me it is.

[Ruptured Spleen]

Buddy: Damn.
Harvey:What?
Buddy:Look at my credit card bill.(Hands bill over)
Harvey: Damn, you in so much debt, when you try to write a check they bounce higher than Jordan on a po-go stick.

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Ruptured Spleen ]

[spooge demon]

American Socialist Society for Helping Others Less Enlightened

[Steven Stahlberg]

LOL

Here's what someone seriously wrote in a 3d artist job application:

"...and my great attention to drtail."

[Rat]

There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.


"Aloha - or as the Americans say: Aloha mothahfuckah!"
-George Carlin

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Rat ]

[Rat]

Lol. That reminds me of my mom!

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the hell is my ceiling!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Birdy, birdy in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap, oh my god, it's birdy crap!


I've got a million quotes. I just need to sort through them and find the good ones...

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Rat ]

[Rat]

A tribute to just how insane my sister is:

hello i m here. hamster. i just wanted 2 say that 4 no reason. im boared. is ur dad home yet?? i l l fone u later 2 ask u dat. i c normal people... yes... hello i m still here. i just changed my passaword 4 email. r u a blowfish?? i m still boared. r u a dandilion?? im stil board. my sister is a baboon with a case of retardation and she wants me 2 send her this emails. IM A board chipmunk so is gio... here is my shoe and here is my toe... when you tick me off... here i go.. i am a hyper chipmunk and so is gio. (sung to the toon of im a little teapot.) by a by a by ab y a b y a at yb .

~deb` hyper sugar.


Note some of the spelling/grammar errors. They make it all the funnier. (eg. boared)

[ February 23, 2002: Message edited by: Rat ]

[Coaster]

Gimbal - His name is Erno something (Canadian)
He said:

"Ah, sometimes I like to go down to the playground just to watch the kids jumping around and shouting... ...little do they know I'm only shooting blanks"

[Rat]

Old, deaf grandpa: "Eh? Bake a fish and throw out the candles? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

[Coaster]

"If only Bill Gates got 10 cents everyime a windows box crashed... oh wait a minute he already does!"