[eyewoo]

I've been working on a children's picture book called "The Cat Who Thought His Tail Was An Icicle." I've put the full final first draft up on my website at:

www.eyewoo.com/ndx.bam.php

Comments, crits and sugeestions really appreciated. I'm also starting to look for an agent - perhaps the hardest part about writing children's picture books (or any book for that matter) Comments and suggestions really, really appreciated here as well.
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[merlyns]

all I can say is that I really love those illustrations.

is the book for sale already?

-david
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[Matthew]

Hey
I like that you are back in the posting again, the book is awesome.
Of course I had to comment your site again cause I think it is so good, I like the detail shots too to the right of every picture. :)

Keep it up
Matthew

[linzi]

What can say? I turned 21 today and I want to buy a printed copy.

I love the illustrations and the story. I dont like the colour of the type on the front cover. I know it needs to stand out on shelves and that bright colours work great for kids but it's just a bit too neon. I also feel the composition of the cover is somewhat lacking - the typography isn't sitting well with me just now. I dont think the centred alignment of the text works against the asymmetrical nature of the illustration that you've used. I also feel that the text is sitting too close to the left edge and that Bam could do with coming in from the right because there's too much white space in the middle.

I'm not sure I like the flat coloured borders and the text on page 15 needs to be lifted a little because it's tricky to read against the red of the roofing.

A few crits but other than that I love it.
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[Duracel]

Great, fabulous, like it!
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[Tomasis]

I love that stupid cat though I hate cats IRL

very very lovely beautifully colorfully images, that only I can describe your book
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[Max]

yes, the illustrations and the whole story are great
the kids will love it - I am sure

[Capt.FlushGarden]

DAHMN! you've been working hard man!!! I totally dig it, lots of color, great mood, and it's got that special style as childrensbooks have, but iut's not ugly as some can be!

If I meet a girl and make her pregnant you've got another customer pal!

[eyewoo]

merlyns... Thanks... The book's not in print yet. Still need to find an agent and publisher.

Thanks Matthew... I've not been around much 'cause I'm working on a PHP template for my eyewoo website. Hoping to make it available to artists and photographers - easy to maintain with super stats on image veiws, etc.

linzi... thanks for the suggestions. The flat borders are just for the web version-- they are not meant for the printed book. As for the GREEN titled cover page... yeah, that's why... so it will pop on a book stand. That's just my idea of how to do it. I suspect if I am able to find a publisher, their art director will have a better idea.

Duracel... Thanks!

Tomasis... A good endorsement - a cat hater who likes Bam..

Max... Thanks!

Capt... You are one of my favorites, so coming from you, I am honored...
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[Malachi Maloney]

I agree about the cover, just needs something that I can't quite put my finger on.

Other than that, it's fantastic! Illustration wise, I'm a fan of page 10.

Very nice effort Phil. Colorful, fun... I think you have a definite hit on your hands buddy.


Take it easy,
Malachi
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[B0b]

thats so cool can i have an english vesion ie - Autumn instead of Fall?

[kilkennycat]

oh what a great kid's book!! the illustrations are fantastic and the story is really cute. i can't wait til it's in print, i'd like to buy 2. =D

[Capt. Fred]

Trully wonderful! Wonderful book... just love it. So nice.

[Tzan]

Well I think everyone has covered the book. I just wanted to say that I really like the game artwork. You didnt mention if it was used in a game and the title.

[eyewoo]

Malachi... The cover... I'm sure if it ever gets into a publisher's hands, the art director will have something better to offer... Yepsir, hope its a hit, but first... gotta find a publisher...

Bob... Well, it's autumn over here to, but I just couldn't get away from "fall" for some reason...

kilkennycat... If it gets into print, remind me and I'll send you a couple copies...

Capt. Fred... Thanks!

Tzan... The game artwork... I should put a bit more info in that section. It was done for a Swedish game production company called Prelusion, Inc.. The game is "Gilbert Goodmate and the Mushroom of Phungoria." website at http://www.gilbertgoodmate.com . I had a blast doing the job. There were about 34 backgrounds altogether. The game is in the genre of the Monkey Island series -- find clues, gather inventory, solve the puzzles and mystery, save the good guys from the bad guys. Fun, but tough to play without the cheat sheets.
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[AliasMoze]

I like it.

If you're looking for crits:
If I were your editor, I'd make you change the "thumbs up" drawing. Too self-referential, too exclusive a violation of tense.

Otherwise, I think the art is great. I could crit the text on every page if you wanted that, but I'm not sure I'm a good judge of childrens' books. Anyway, I hope this goes well for you. What are you doing in the realm of finding an agent?

[Mon]

I'm totally in awe of the artwork you've shared with us here! The book illos are just wonderful, and the game art... wow! Your style and approach to art really goes well with that kind of game, I hope the book and the game both do well!

Cheers,
Mon
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Blog!

[Socar MYLES]

You are SO my hero. My favourite pages are the ones with him spitting out the leaves and the ones that say "icicle, icicle, icicle, icicle, tail, icicle" on them. I like the leaves ones because they have a lot of expression and motion, and I like the tail/icicle ones because they're funny.

When this is published, I'd kill for a signed copy.
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[Malachi Maloney]

Looks like me and Socar are mud-wrestling for that first signed copy, Phil.


~M~
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[Tomasis]

I hope over mud and get the signed copy FIRST
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[MisterFrosty]

Philip --

I'm not an artist, so I can't provide you with much feedback there, except to say that I found the art consistently very pretty. Regarding publishing / finding an agent, I had heard that publishers often accept manuscripts for children's stories indepedently of the artwork used in them -- but this was in the context of a story pitched at a somewhat older crowd, so I'm not sure if it applies to your book. My inclination is to say that it shouldn't, given that so much of that sort of book relies on the art.

In terms of the writing, there were a few things that didn't work very well for me. The name "Bam," for example, while easy to get your mouth around and possibly intrinsically funny for little kids, doesn't really do anything for the story. There's nothing explosive about the cat; indeed, he's rather sedentary and prefers the quiet cold. I found the name constantly a distraction from the flow of the writing, partly because "Bam" is a stop-word -- that is, we're used to seeing it used onomatopoetically ("He pointed the gun and -- BAM!") which requires a stop. As such, some of the sentences cannot reach the lyrical, rhythmic quality of the very best children's writing.

It is in the "flow" that I found the story most wanting. The individual scenes are beautiful, and many of the gags are very funny, but I found that the pages often didn't flow effectively one to the next, and even within a page, thoughts didn't flow (logically) and sentences didn't flow (lyrically). Compare page one -- where the sentences are logically and lyrically disjoined -- to page ten, where they are logically and lyrically connected. Page ten also invites speaks "up" to the young reader -- letting her figure out for herself that Bam likes the refrigerator because it "holds winter."

I have some more concrete suggestions, but I need to run, and I'm not sure (this being my first post to Sijun) whether in depth literary criticism is even appropriate to these forums. If you're interested in more, I'd be happy to correspond over private messages.

Best,
Mark

--EDIT--

I thought it might help if I were to add more concrete textual examples of the point I was trying to convey. I should also add that I thought the story was fun, the art great, and the concept very cute.

"Wanda and Wally live with a scruffy cat named Bam. Wally likes to say Bam lives on top of their house. Wanda always nods her head in agreement. . . because it's true. During part of the year Bam spends most of his time on the roof."

I guess I'll start with a little bit of theory. I think in writing generally, it's best to arrange your thoughts in a logical format. In law school, the format they teach us is called "CRAC" (conclusion, rule, analysis, conclusion), in grade school it was the "funnel" method (start with a general claim and narrow inward), while in college / high school it was "thesis / support."

With children's writing, I think the best method is simply stream-of-logic. Each paragraph should be a series of interlinked ideas, each one flowing into the next. This could be diagrammed A->B->C->D. ("Billy was a boy in seventh grade. All of the other seventh graders had blue shorts. But Billy had only red shorts. Billy was very sad.") Frequently, it actually works even better when you do A->A,B->B,C->C,D. ("Billy hated turtles. Billy hated turtles became they were boring. Turtles were boring because they never left their shell. Why didn't they ever leave their shell? Probably because Billy hated them so much. Wouldn't you stay in your shell if someone hated you?") This style is most evident in Dr. Seuss's rhymes, such as the favorite "Green Eggs and Ham."

In this case, though, the writing doesn't follow "simple logic." If it did, I think it would read more like.

"Wanda and Wally live with a scruffy cat named Bam. Well, actually, they don't really live together, because Bam spends part of the year on the roof. Wally likes to say that Bam isn't a house-cat, he's a roof-cat. Wanda nods her head in agreement, because it's true: Bam always seems to be up on the roof."

In other places -- like pages 6 to 8 -- you're much closer to this style, but there are still occasional dischordant moments.

Pages 9-10 are an example where the intra-page logic is sound, but the inter-page logic isn't. Page 9 and page 10 both are about what Bam does in the summer, and both sound conclusive. Does he spend the days on a rock (page 9) or on the fridge (page 10)? It seems like page 9 would be better set during the spring. It also seems like there is a bit of missing weather -- the spring section seems to be begging for a rainstorm to contrast with the snowstorm of winter and the leafstorm of fall. The imagery would also be sharp.

Another issue worth noting is that books like this will probably be read aloud, and as such, it may be worth practicing the lines yourself. "Icicle, icicle, icicle, icicle, tail, icicle" for example is 16 syllables long, and they're hard to pronounce. The traditional children's refrain is "duck, duck, goose", and hence you might want to think about just doing, "icicle, icicle, tail, icicle. . ." The four antecedents seem a bit too much.

There are a bunch of small grammatical niggles throughout (page 11 needs a period at the end, rainbow of colors is singular not plural, etc.), but I assume you'll catch those before you send it out.

[/i]

[henrik]

Not very constructive, but all I can say is I like it very much.
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[eyewoo]

AliasMoze... Yeah... the thumbs up picture has bothered me too... It seems a bit out of character for the flow... but two things are going for it. 1- I like the surprise of it and 2- some kids that have seen the book point to it as their favorite picture... so I guess I'll let it ride for the time being... If it ever gets into a publisher's hands, I suspect the art director will have an opinion...

Mon... Thanks... The game has been out for several years. I don't think it was a big seller, but it has been selling steady, and throughout the world. There are versions in several languages.

Thanks Socar... OK... I'm putting together a list of people I want killed (LOL... just kidding). If it gets published, you got it!

Malachi... If you can put that event together, you get a signed copy too LOL!

Tomasis... uh-oh... this is getting out of hand!!!

Mark... Whew!!! I'll have to digest all that for a bit. Thanks...

henrik... Little confused by your comment... "Not very constructive"...??? ...but glad you like it.
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[henrik]

Phil> Sorry about the confusion, I meant my comment wasn't very "constructive". Just praise. Good work.
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[eyewoo]

oh..ah-ha... not very bright of me! Thanks again
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