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Topic : ""The Right to Remain Stupid" comic #1" |
mario36
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Joined: 29 Sep 2002
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Location: mundelein IL
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 Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 8:29 am |
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Hey guys...this forum is awesome because of the great crits I get. Any suggestions are welcomed.
Is it easy to follow? storytelling wise? How doyou like the "look" of the comic...and the character designs? Any suggestions on how to improve?
--mario
www.animatedbuzz.com
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Matthew
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Joined: 05 Oct 2002
Posts: 3784
Location: I am out of here for good
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 9:34 am |
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Ah haha  Sweet, I like both the story and characters. Have you decided all the characters for this comic?
When does your school start? or has it started?
Thanks again for the Portfolio tips you posted in Digital Art discussion, I�m gonna start sending some work samples I have made this week for some different schools here in sweden.
Matthew |
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mario36
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Location: mundelein IL
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 11:02 am |
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Thanks Matt!
School starts in early Sept...I think. I'm pretty excited.
I have a couple ideas for other characters for the strip but Johnny is the main one.
And bout the tutorial, no problem. I'm glad it was useful to you. Good luck on your portfolio submissions!
--mario
www.animatedbuzz.com
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Capt. Fred
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Location: South England
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 11:03 am |
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Looking good.
I think it would look seriously cooler if there wasn't shading, but colours were flat, and if the colours were stronger, brighter, more vibrant/powerful. The line work is great, but the treatment of it, ie, its colouring and stuff, could be slicker.
Like I said though, looking good. |
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mario36
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 12:58 pm |
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thanks for the suggestions, Fred. Do you have any examples of anything that I could look at to better see what you're suggesting?...like a specific style in a comic/show?
-mario
www.animatedbuzz.com
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AliasMoze
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Joined: 24 Apr 2000
Posts: 814
Location: USA
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 6:22 pm |
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Too many angles. You're taking me and jumping me all around the room. Just establish the basic shots and cut back and forth. Humor is not about shots. Most jokes, in fact, are played wide.
I agree with Cpt. Fred that the colors are too complicated. Again, a joke is better, perhaps by nature, if you just suggest, and this carries into the design of the characters and colors. For example, Bluebottle is a particular type: he's stupid, as indicated by his buck teeth and shallow chin. But, because of the shading, I can't SEE the chin, and the character type is nearly lost. I guess it's just a matter of clarity.
One little thing: I thought the boss guy was a military man, on account of his green suit. Kind of muddled the point for me (that he works for the police). |
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mario36
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 7:27 pm |
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Ok...I just wanted to clear this up in my head. What do you mean, establish the basic shot? You see, I'm just a little confused about it. Dont' you have to somewhere down the line establish the room?...environment? Are you saying that I should just keep going back and forth between panels very similar to the first and second?...for the most part? By the way, these are excellent crits. Thanks a lot for the help.
On the next sequential, i"m gonna just use flat colors..and I'll try to brighten things up. Oh, and good point. The dude totally looks like a military officer.
-mario
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mario36
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 7:34 pm |
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oh, and one more thing. How can I make an effective "punchline"? It seems like many ppl just dont' get it. bah.
-mario |
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AliasMoze
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 8:08 pm |
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| Mario36 wrote: |
| Dont' you have to somewhere down the line establish the room?...environment? Are you saying that I should just keep going back and forth between panels very similar to the first and second? |
Yes, you do. But get it done first, unless the room itself is a joke and you're "revealing" it. Establishing is just a way of saying you need to setup where you are, who's there, and so forth. In this case, the setting is just a random office, and your setup is simply that your boss is looking to recruit Bluebottle because he's willing to work for free and that Bluebottle is stupid. Get those basic facts out the way first. Of course, the writing is very important here.
When it comes to shots, the idea is to set 'em up and then stick to 'em. For instance, when you cut to the over-the-shoulder of the boss, it's a little jarring, because it's right outta the blue. Same with the next shot. In storytelling terms, they call it Deux Ex Machina - having the hand of God come down to save the day. But when something plays in a funny way in a space that's been set up, it's cleverer. The closeups, showing expressions, are fine. Things you might consider:
Doing the whole thing from over the boss's shoulder.
Beating out the story like this:
1. Setup that the boss is looking for a way to save money, cut corners. These high salaries are eating him alive. (Establish the salaries on the computer screen). BTW, don't write this text; find a way to show it through dialogue and/or pictures.
2. Bluebottle is there to interview, and he's just the schmuck the boss is looking for:
"So you're interested in joining our fine establishment?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. No. I just wanna be a police occifer."
Beat.
"Marge, tell officer Roberts to clean out his desk."
3. But Bluebottle seems to resist.
"Now I'll just need your John Handcock right here, and of course, COUGH, COUGH, we can't COUGH pay you."
"Duh, now a wait a dern minute!" Pounds fist on table.
Awkward silence.
4. "Did you say..........Office Bluebottle?!? Sweet!"
Not riproaringly hilarious, but I think I've improved it a tad.
Now, as far as writing a good punchline is concerned, I'm not an expert. But I'd say generally you want to set up a direction in the story and then finish it in a surprising way. The trick, though, is that the surprise has to be set up. Otherwise, it comes from left field.
Think of it like a puzzle. Throughout your little story, a question arises that the reader wants an answer to, and there are certain ways we instinctively know the story can end. We move toward one end, creating a certain amount of tension that the story may end badly. Then, at the last minute, the story resolves in an unexpected way, something that was there but we did not see. My theory is that something happens in the brain of mammals when we put together the puzzle of a joke or a good story, and we react with laughter, a sort of tribal yell. At any rate, that's the gist of what I know. |
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mario36
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 8:39 pm |
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awesome. That's extremely helpful. Thanks a lot.
So you think the best way to go is to base it all from behind the boss' shoulder in this situation? ...and then move to close ups here and there when necessary?
For the first shot, I was wondering. ... to convey that the boss is stressing over the payrolls I could have the shot behind his shoulders, and then have him looking at the computer screen all stressed out right? would that be clear?
then, in the next shot (still behind his shoulder) he asks Bluebottle the Q.
And in the same panel Blue answers, uhhh..i just wanna be a occifer.
Makes sense.
-mario |
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AliasMoze
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 9:19 pm |
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Yeah, I think playing the whole scene from behind the boss works. Characterwise, he's a type we all understand and have dealt with. The closeups, then, would all be of Bluebottle.
| Quote: |
For the first shot, I was wondering. ... to convey that the boss is stressing over the payrolls I could have the shot behind his shoulders, and then have him looking at the computer screen all stressed out right? would that be clear?
then, in the next shot (still behind his shoulder) he asks Bluebottle the Q.
And in the same panel Blue answers, uhhh..i just wanna be a occifer. |
I think this works, but you have to get Bluebottle into the room. I don't know the best way to do this. Maybe the boss is complaining to himself, and Marge buzzes him that his interview is here. |
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mario36
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2003 9:46 pm |
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i see. Cool! thanks so much!
-mario |
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ebrian
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Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2003 7:18 am |
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Hey, this is cool...
You certainly have your own style and characters, and the coloring is special too, in the cartoons.
I am also doing some mini cartoons now. Hope I can get the same humor and skill.
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