[Luci]

Heya all..

Okay, I'm gonna blabber a wee bit, because I need to get this off my mind, It's probably the easiest way of getting it out, and, Well, People who don't want to read entirely depressing stuff should go to another topic right now. CAn I also mention that I don't want to seem like an attention seeker, I just need some way of getting my problems out some how.

It all kinda started last year. Last year, about this time right now, My bedroom burnt down. I was nearly killed.. (free cremation city, here I come).. I was sleeping in bed, Who would of known, that next I was woken up by my mum who was screaming, and telling me to get out of bed, becuase the side of my bed was a wall of flames. At the end of that episode, I had nothing left. I didn't even have clothes to go to school the next day. As you would of guessed- I was pretty devistated.. You.. You really don't think things like those would ever happen to you.. And well, I was wrong.

Anyway, A few months passed, and I was getting most of my life back together.. But there's more in that that you may have seen. I tried to commit suicide over 8 times after the period of the fire.. I'd try and hurt myself anywhere. I used to even say to myself that the fire was my fault, Which it wasn't.. I had accidentilly left my electric blanket on.. but I still used to say "It's my fault, it's all my fault. If it wasn't for me.."

But, Also during that period of time, little did people know that I started to give up eating.. I lost over 20 kilograms in under 3 months. I was 87 kilograms, and now I'm 55 kilograms. I'm only now trying to get back and starting to eat like a normal person again.. It's not the easiest, I assure you.

That's not all, though. I was still depressed, and this is what I face myself with today. I am still depressed. I scored highly on a depression test and the doctors put me on an antidepressant. Thing is, I still don't feel the best- even though the people around me can see a difference. I still feel 'down' And sometimes I don't have the motivation to do anything, To get anywhere. It's so hard for me to even think right now. But I can't lose it all now. I can't. Why you ask? My boyfriend, From America, California is spending a hellava lot of money to come and see me, in 5 weeks time. I can't give it up now, But it's so hard to get my old cheery self back together again. I lost some things to me that now, I'll probably never get back. I don't know what I can do to make it better. Maybe I can't do anything, Maybe..

Ack, Sorry for ranting and raving and carrying on.. But it's something that I am still stuck over, I wish sometimes I wasn't here, that this wasn't me.

Thank you to all that listened..

That's me, I'm out.

-Luci

[PandaX52]

quote

Quote:

I still feel 'down' And sometimes I don't have the motivation to do anything, To get anywhere. It's so hard for me to even think right now

Welcome to the club. Dealing with depression is a tough thing to do, just have faith that you can work through it yourself...Society has a way of inserting this ideal person that we all should be into our minds and if we don't match up, we feel out-of-place (at least if you respect society as a way judge things).

Sometimes when I'm with my friends, I feel completly out of place...They are all making funny comments and jumping around with exagerated body motions and such...It is really irritating sometimes, I just have to strenghten my confidence, which I wasn't really able to do when I was a child. One of the most important things to do when dealing with depression, I think, is to really listen to that voice in your head, which is hard to do because you are that voice, and listen to what it says, learn to take the critical side less seriously, starting from the inside-out. There are some unhappy people out there who will judge, criticise, and subordinate, you don't want one of those types of people in your head.

That's just my suggestions anyway, if you have the time, I suggest a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It talks a lot about how we live and the ways which we can deal with the "hells" of modern life from an interesting perspective.

[ May 26, 2001: Message edited by: PandaX52 ]

[Etict]

Hello, just came back from playing some pool and frankly I'm completely drunk right now, so that justifies my reply.

I've had depression since highschool first grade and before, because of several things. It seems that once I moved to Germany I got "cured" partially (because I met some wonderful people here), but the f**ked-up part of my brain is still there and won't leave me alone. I can give you one hint: When you think you're out if it, test yourself, make sure that you're really ok. Because I know that I'm not ok, but I SEEM to be ok, even to myself, and still, sometimes, I clearly see my inner self and KNOW that everything in my head is totally f**ked up. I have to live with those two parts of my self every day, and that wouldn't be so if I had regocnized my problem earlier and dealt with it.

So, whatever you do, and when you're seemingly cured from your depression, make sure you really are. Maybe my state of f**ed-upness is something very rare, maybe its very common, I have no idea WHAT it is, but it's very hard to live with it. And actually I know it won't let me go, my mind is probably forever screwed for all I know.

Cheers, get well. Don't let it live in you too long, it might get comfy. My friends don't know anything about it (because I won't let it out that way), and it doesn't show as a physical thing, unlike yours (a bit of weight-loss, eh?), I take care of my health as well as I can and live ok, and concentrate on the things that are important to me, that usually is enough to keep it aside.

[Radiater]

Hi Luci,

As you can see from the above posts we all have our demons. Some are just harder to handle than others, especially when life deals us a few tough blows (like your fire). So far so good though, you're still with us.

Personally, I think it's easier to tame your demons by thinking about them differently. I know its how I cope. Try not to think about who's fault the fire was, instead think about how lucky you are. Be thankful for your luck and for your mother warning you in time.

I work in the main trauma hospital in Vancouver. I see too much suffering. And, I can tell you, that no matter how bad any problem you have may seem: someone else has it worse.

For example: I have seen someone, who was about to get a life saving lung transplant, being told he can't have it because of a newly found cancer. He was very unlucky. He was basically given a death sentence right in front of me. You on the other hand, because of your luckiest day, were given a shot at a long full life.

You may not see it yet, but, the future is full of things that make living now (through this dark time) worth it. One day you might have a child (it's amazing to be a parent), you might win the lotto, you may find love, but no matter what happens you have a shot at making your own destiny because of your luckiest day.

I hope some of this makes sense. And most of all I hope it helps.

Take care, we all enjoy hearing from you and hope you continue to post for a long time,

Yours,

Bruce (aka Radiater)

ps. If you find you're still having a hard time. I'm sure there are support groups that could help you out. We all feel we can beat our demons on our own, but sometimes a helping hand is worth it.

[Red Leader]

Hi Luci,
I think it's great that you're getting this out in the open, that seems to me like a good first step in learning how to deal with depression.
I hope you know you've got a lot of people here who like to have you around, and are here to support you. Thanks for sharing with us.

[zero21]

All right,

In the space of about a month five things happened that really screwed me over.

I was sorta forced to move from my city penthouse apartment to my girl friends parents house with her as she decided she wanted to quit work and go back to school.

3 days later I got fired from my suit job as a computer payroll consultant. (Everyone except my boss was really gutted and couldn't understand why)

I got a job to fill in the gaps at a service station, a week there and I got held up at gunpoint. (shotgun over the counter)

A week after that my girl friend broke up with me and ran off to the UK with this seriously FAT HAIRY guy. (they get married this month I heard)

3 days after that my car basically died.

9 months later and I am still getting back on my feet. Sometimes I wonder why I bother getting out of bed it's taken so long. But my car is going now and I have a job that beats the service station,

I am finding out next week if I've got a place on this part time Graphic Art course at the Uni. I am living with my dad and 2 brothers (younger)

Oh did I mention my parents seperated some where in the middle there?

Still have no regular girl friend yet but am always looking. I'm picking that things will come right eventually and Im pointing myself in a direction I wanta take so thats all good.

Bad things happen I have accepted, and I don't think that I really deserved most of it, I know who my REAL friends are now, and still I ache to be truely happy.

Suck it in and keep swinging Luci!!!!

One thing I have learnt is that to be happy YOU have to make it happen.

Sometimes it's dancing with head phones on in my room by myself.
Sometimes it's beating the living crap outta the bags at the gym.
Sometimes it's a chocolate ice-cream,

But while I'm slowly working on the big stuff, little things are taking care of themselves pretty good.

Maybe this won't be helpful as advice, or as inspriartion, but you should realise that you do have understanding and support here from people like me and the others who know (maybe not quite exactly) where your coming from.

I think it's pretty cool the amount of venting that goes on here. And even more the amount of understanding an support!!!!

*sniff,....sniff,..... this is not doing anything for my tough guy image!!!!!*

[Impaler]

1) Thank deity of choice that we don't know how to commit suicide the right way.

2) What is it with the best things in life (drugs, boyfriends/girlfriends, computers) are always the worst?

3) Ironic how when we're depressed the only things we tend to do is stuff that makes us more depressed.

4) Talking and threads likes these at least help.

5) Doesn't New Zealand have like, the highest depression rate in the world? Or is the lowest?

6) Ambiguous electronic *hug*

[ May 30, 2001: Message edited by: Impaler ]

[Luci]

Ah, Here it is again, Me.

Can I just say a huge thank you to everyone who has replied, I really really appreciate your time to write to me, and especailly Lukias for your email, I appreciate all the response I get.

Umm, I guess an update for me. I'm on prozac, and anti depressant, but I feel it's doing nothing for me, I'm still not the best. I haven't felt anything specail aver the last week or so, I feel nothing is worth it. But I can't turn back, I'm here now, and I'm not taking the easy way out.

Umm, I felt quite down though today because of Art. Art had been my favorite subject in school, but because I'm so far behind of being sick, and so on, I'm loosing out in more ways than one. The teacher is becoming a Mini Satan, And I don't have the energy to enjoy it anymore. I don't like the stuff we're doing, It's just not the same. The harder thing is that all of it is internally assesed and has to be in by due dates.. No one will let me even get their notes for me to copy from seeing I've been away, If I loose that now, I've lost my future. Art means everything to me, I love it with a passion, just hate it as wrell.. So many people are bringing me down, and I don't know what to do, I'm stuck in a spiders web, and getting devowred quickly.

I suspect another person had mentioned to the schools councellor about me as I got called in by her a day or so ago. Now, she.. Well, I have nothing against her, or councellors, but basically, I can't go to a councellor, I'm not allowed to. My Dad forbids me - And also the point that she doesn't do anything for me. Talking about it doesn't work for me, I really don't know if I'm getting behind. I'm just getting scared. I need to do well this year, And no one is helping, I'm screaming, and no one listens.

I'm lost.. I feel nothing, not a spirit- Not a sound.

This was a poem I wrote a while back, and well, Some other shits that I posted it to took the shit out of it, But, I'll put it here..

You don't see,
The spirit inside,
You don't feel,
The hurt,
The pain.

The people,
Are obstacles,
In this maze.

They aren't here to help,
Or to give a loving hand,
They don't want to be there,
To understand.

Life is a difficulty,
The hurt doesn't help,
The pain, the anger,
Are not lost.
The soul is disintergrating,
Into the past,
There's nothing worth to hold on to now,
You may as well only just touch.

Don't grab.
Don't pull.
There's nothing now,
That you can do.
The opportunity,
Has been and gone,
You had your chance.

You fool,
You bitch,
Standing there,
And laughing, Watching what will happen-
And now I am too weak,
To care, to feel.
You just wanted,
Revenge.
In the end.

--


And another to clear my mood.


--

Oh i want to be your
suicide doll
legless lifeless rag doll
crucified barbie on the wall

So will you hit me
til i'm not scared any more?

Can you see
how perfect it would be
to smash the glass
smash everything to the ground
there's nothing sweeter than red.

And nothing that comes past your lips
Is ever gonna touch the dust in my eyes.

I am this thing
this tearful thing
this broken and remodelled thing
and none of these tears are for you.

I can see the flames and
the dragon in my heart and
he wants destruction and
won't you please
burn down my room?

not my show
not my place
not my life
not my idea

and how about we say
I was never here
when they ask
who am I
just a girl
no one important.
nothing.
just.
forget.
please.


--


Thanks everyone..

The slightly dull, and frightened, Scared worried and depressed-

-Luci

[Tiger Eaten]

<ROAR>


I don't know you Luci and you don't know me. So take this all with a grain of salt as I know nothing about nothing. You said that you were going to take a moment to babble, so please allow me the same.......and if you take it the wrong way, then don't take it to heart.


It seems to me that you are wallowing. I have no doubt that you are depressed and I am not about to debate that but there is a danger.........in the road you are taking....

Don't turn self pity into your #1 hobby.

The world is what it is, it neither hates nor loves you. You have your health and your youth, these the world has given to you for a short while and in time it will take them back. What you do in the interm is in your hands. My advice is that you make use of what you have, mainly, your time and energy.

The fire took some of your material things.... it could..... have taken your face or your arm. Give that some thought. Fire cares not for young girls and their dreams. We all get burned from time to time, either let the flames temper you and become stronger from the experience or watch it consume you.

Fire has the nasty habit of destroying a person's most beautiful features first, your hair, your eyes, a body's delicate skin.....bad experiences can do the same only they take away the really beautiful stuff that resides inside a person's mind.

You love art, you are having trouble keeping up. Give up now. I dare you to see what happens.

Nobody will care, not I, not your teacher, not anyone on these forums, or not enough anyway to journey all the way to New Zealand, pick you up, dust you off and put the pencil back in your hand. You are very much alone child.

You have people around you that love you but their patience and strength is finite. Love and good will........runs out.

You tried to kill yourself 8 times? Is the learning curve really that steep? Or do you have the better sense that there is something worth staying around for?

If you have the write a poem like the one you posted, if you have time to frequent this forum then you have time to do your homework, get back on top of your work and put your school life back together again. No one is going to do it for you, not one is going to UNDERSTAND YOU, pat you on the back and pass you in every subject simply because you are DOWN, DEPRESSED and DARK.

You say that you are on anti-depressants. Your problems may be medical, in which eveything I say here goes DOUBLE. You will need to work twice as hard to be normal like everyone else and three times as hard if you are to have a chance at making a name for yourself.

You keep refering to "no one helping you". Don't expect it, don't count on it, don't need it. Do it yourself. Do it now.

You like ART? You want to be something? Then do it. Don't wait for someone to lend you their notes, don't wait for a teacher to become nice and caring, JUST DO IT, draw, paint, whatever turns your crank. You think nobody cares for you? Then bloody well make them want to care. Force it, bring it on yourself. Make them want to know you. Work on your art and show them what is inside of you both, light and dark.

Or forget them all, and simply do it for yourself. I suspect a start in this direction may be best for you.

I'll stop now as I can feel my train of thought coming apart. Like I said before, I don't know you at all Luci, so this post really has nothing to do with you and therefore should be taken VERY lightly. As I said before I know nothing about nothing. Or less.

Take care of yourself.

[A.Buttle]

Mellow.

[ceenda]

Luci,

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, though I have to join the consensus and encourage you to try and break that circle of thinking. It will only tire you out.

Does this sound patronising? I really hope not.

I've been away from the forum for some time now because of... guess what? Depression.

Why did I start feeling so depressed? Simply because some silly girl I adored turned me down. No other reason. The problem being that this minor dissapointment caused a much nastier memory from my past to come back. Likewise, an event in which I was almost killed.

You say your doctor has placed you on anti-depressents. Did he suggest any counselling at all, as this is probably the best way to deal with these kinds of situations. Is there an advice centre near you for young people? It would certainly be a good idea to get some counselling.

Remember, YOU can make a change to the way you feel. It's a big world, it's often a nasty one, but it's also full of the most fantastic people and opportunities.

[ May 31, 2001: Message edited by: ceenda ]

[Akolyte]

Luci, set yourself a goal. Bust your ass to get to that goal. You will feel a thing called pride. And when you have that, these little things will not bother you so...A wandering journey to nowhere will get you exactly that. Life is a little hungry sphere, and you are on the outside reaping it's harvest. If you feed the little sphere some nasty shit, it's gonna fart on you.

[SpiralEye]

Luci,
My sister takes Prozac. Her biggest struggle is to keep taking it. She feels good for a while, thinks her brain chemicals are balanced and she doesn't need it anymore and CRASH! Prozac takes about a month for a change to gradually happen. If you stop taking it, you won't immediately notice a change, but about a month later, life won't seem living again. That is, if there is a chemical imbalance present. Sometimes Prozac is prescribed when there is not a significant imbalance.
Ditto what Tiger Eaten has said. You can do it. If you have the ability and insight to write the poems you did and to spill your guts to the forum, you can get the rest of the show on the road, for yourself. Also, praying helps. Seriously, ask God questions, expect answers. Asking him, "why me?" is the self-piteous question that will get you nowhere. Asking him, "Can I survive this?" will get you a strong affirmation that you can.

Love ya.

Royal

[ May 31, 2001: Message edited by: SpiralEye ]