[Nex]

[Cast:]
Detective John P.
Mrs. Cleaver
Edgard Sullivan Suzy's Father
Little Suzy
Dr. Crumble, the mad one
Josh, leader of a banana gang
1 gruffy grapefruit
2 strong but rather stupid Apes

- BEGIN -

Its a cold and rainy night again. Every night it rains, and everytime it rains, its cold. Heavy raindrops that sound like small drumbeats are hammering on Detective John P.'s window, creating a strange rythm with the typewriter sound of Mrs. Cleaver, P.'s secretary. Every so often, on family meetings, funderals and other social events P. would mention how lucky a guy he is to have a typewriter as secretary, because typical typewriters tend to have a rather uncooperative mindset most of the time. Many are individualists and always write what they think should be lettered out on that white paper.. they don't care for human's perception of grammar or spelling.
Mrs. Cleaver is very busy tonight.. there are 4 cases of murder and 1 case of a man betraying his woman with a squishy banana to be filed.
The constant drumming of rain and Mrs. Cleaver is suddenly cut by a shrill ringing sound.
P. takes the phone.
"Detective John P., investigation... Hello?"


[This message has been edited by Nex (edited August 07, 2000).]

[Brishen]

(What!!! Nobody has replied to this yet???)

...P. takes the phone.
"Detective John P., investigation... Hello?"

"Detective?" A sultry female voice hummed in his ear and sent shivers like the flicker of a female tongue down the back of his neck. "Detective, John P., I presume?"

"Yeah," said P in his characteristic, Bogart-esque drawl. "How can I help you, sweetheart?"

"I'm in trouble," she replied. "Big trouble."

"Trouble's my middle name," he quipped quickly.

"Really?"

"No, I was trying to sound dangerous. It's Irving." She was silent a moment, and he thought he'd lost her. "Hello! Are you still there?"

"I'm still here," she whispered in her throaty cadence. "You've got to help me, P! They've taken my father!"

"Who!" he demanded, jumping up from his chair to pound his fist on his desk. "Who, damn it!"

"The Banana Gang!" she cried. "Oh, P! They're going to kill him!"

P was silent. God Damn, he thought. Josh and his Banana Gang had struck again. It was bad enough they'd mashed his tires.... Now this???

"Who's calling?" he asked gruffly.

(And the saga continues....)

[Silico]

"This is Suzy!!!" she screeches.

Moments later Detective John P. hears intense screaming noises.

"Oh ho, NO!! What are they doing to you? Please, Suzy, in order for me to help it is absolutely imperative you give us your address, phone number, medical insurance agency #, lifetime expectancy, and your first born child!!"

"Oh. oh um -- alright alright they are going to KILL him mister P!!! I'll do anything!!!" moans poor Suzy.

"I understand that, Suzy." states the detective.

And even more moments later, there is more terrible screaming noises. What could they possibly be doing?? Is Edgard alright? Will Suzy make it out alive??

To be continued...

(Brishen -- totally!! these are like so fun we could get this thing going so far i bet! geez! man i really hope i didn't ruin it... hey Nex, if you want me to remove my post if you don't like it just say, alright? i'd feel bad about it, but i'd feel even worse if everyone else rubbed it in...)

[Brishen]

(LOL Right on, Silico!!!!!)

[Spitfire]

Irving knew that she didn't have much time, he ran down the hallway and slid down his emergency-pole he bought at a firefighter-fundraising event 3 years earlier. Hastily he checked his equipment ; Toothbrush? Check. Lifetime supplies of Babe Ruth bars? Check. Illegal full-auto BB pellet gun? Check. Picture of Falafel the cat? Check. Toothpick with hidden SatCom unit? Check.

In a high shriek of adrenaline he cried out; "Lets rock and roll..!" and jumped into his 15-year old Volkswagen Beetle AKA "The Irvmobile" - ready to make the world safe for democracy and country music once m... *KLANK*

"AAhh!! What the fuck?!" Irving couldn't belive it. Could his trusty old IrvMobile possibly give up on him? In all honesty, his unconditional trust in the old german car was a bit under fire, especially with the evil black smoke and, ofcourse, the fire coming out under the hood.

Irving knew he had no choice, there was only one way of making it to His Client before she'd be kitchenmachined and fed to the gerbils! Like every professional PI he kicked in his own door and ran down the street. There! Salvation! With a smooth kung-fu move he kicked the toddler off his bike and blasted off - setting ablaze the three little wheels.

Will Irving make it on time? Will his CLient end up critter-food? Will the little boy get his bike back unharmed? Will someone ever invent Sushi Milkshakes?

Stay tuned, for more biblical revelations next post! same board, same thread, same idiots.

[el tigre]

Meanwhile, across town, Dr Crumble attended to one of his regular elderly patients.

It was your run of the mill Irritable Bowel Syndrome but it required a regular proctological exam. As old Murph Arnold bent over, Dr Crumble hitched up his sleeves ready for insertion revealing his twin tattoos, The Dragon and The Tiger.

Dr Crumble yearned for more in life, growing up in a Shaolin Temple had been difficult, especially with the name "Common Gnat" but it had set him in good stead at medical school where his fellow students rarely bullied him twice. These days, however, proctological exams were the highlight of his week. "Damn" he thought to himself, "if only I'd been an assasin or a ninja or a....traffic warden. Anything more exciting than this."

"Ayaahh fuck!" exclaimed Murph, "Whaddya think yer doin'?"

"Oops, sorry. Damn, if I don't always forget the K.Y."

RRRRiinnnnngggg RRRRiinnnnggg

"I wonder who that could be?"

(if this is shite pls ignore, lookin good so far guys :�)

------------------
Does anyone know the secret formula? :�

[Spitfire]

"Gnat" An eerie voice whispered. "it is I, Gruffy Grapefruit."

"Gruffy! How are you old bastard?" The doc replied.

"I need you to play bass in my band, dude. We kicked Anton the Impaler out and we're going on european tour in 2 days!"

This was an interesting development for our Doc, since he had allways taken an interest in Hyperblast Grindcore - which was what Grapedfruit and his band played. For moments he stood there, pondering the situation.

"Doc!" The raspy voice. "Fucko! wake up!"

"Oh...ehm...yeah, ofcourse." Doc stammered. "Let me consult my manager."

Suddenly, the door was kicked in. An angry young lad by the name of Nex barged in and slammed Doc against the wall, pointing a rather large automatic weapon at his nose.

"What the fuck are you doing with my story you moron?!" He cried out with a fearsome hatred in his voice. "This is supposed to be a detective story! Not a fucking rock video! Ill kill you!"

Will doc escape this dreadful situation? Will this be a rock video? Will thi... Aw fuck it. You know the drill.

[nightmare]

meanwhile...
detective P cursed through clenched teeth. of all nights, his faithful Irvmobile should break down tonight! and while it was pouring rain too! he slammed his fist down upon the tricycle's handlebars, causing it to fall over with him on it. Passersby looked on in confusion at the grown man who had just tipped himself over on a tricycle, which was a feat many a toddler could not even succeed at. P could swear that a trench coated shadow-figure was standing off to the left, laughing at him in a mysteriously suspicious manner. P shurgged it off for the time being, righted the tricycle and got back on, speeding toward's Suzy's mansion.

When he finally arrived, the scene that met his eyes was a grim one. There was a sultry female in a tight red dress, gagged and tied to a rather magnificent chandalier, wiggling in panic. Mashed bananas were spread everywhere like yellow, sticky-sweet napalm, only edible and much less explosive. and there, in the doorway stood....?!

[Brishen]

...And there in the doorway stood two strong but rather stupid apes.

"Mmmph!" cried Suzy, muffled by the stinky sweat sock stuck in her mouth. "Mmmmmmmmph!" She spat it out with one tremendous, cat-like HAAACK! and yelled, "P!"

"I'm here, Suzy," yelled P. "I'll save you!"

"No!" she hollered. "I have to go pee!"

P would have replied rather wittily, something about "here, use this" with outstretched hands, but the two strong but rather stupid apes began to charge. Unable to throw himself from their path (as he'd drunk a fifth of Kool-Aid at the office), P found himself in a hairy but rather stupid situation. He threw a left. They kicked his ass. He bit anything he could get his teeth on. They howled in pain! And all the while, Suzy's cries rent the air like a clinger monkey in heat.

Just when P thought he could fight no longer... he could fight no longer. The two strong but rather stupid apes pinned him to the floor, throwing back their heads and grunting maniacally. Testosterone was rampant. They bared their fangs - fangs covered in the hard, yellow calculus of those who do not brush, and P briefly thought to recommend a good dentist - but before he could say a word, the apes screeched and clawed at their eyes.

Looking up, P not only saw that Suzy was not wearing panties, but that her bladder had runneth over and was pelting down upon his assailants.

"I'm sorry!" she cried.

"No! No!" he yelled back as the apes retreated. "That was great! I wish I could piss on command!"

But having an enlarged prostate made such things rather difficult.

"Oh, P!" pleaded Suzy. "Get me down from here!"

But just when they thought they were out of the woods, P slipped on a mashed banana and found himself staring right into the eyes of...

(Da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

[nightmare]

"MRS. CLEAVER?!" P fairly shrieked, looking as indignant as a person can whilst lying on one's back covered in banana goo, pee and 2 strong but rather stupid apes.

"Yes! It is I, Mrs. Cleaver!" she intoned dramatically, tossing a corner of the trench coat.

"But Mrs. Cleaver, WHY? You were my best secretary!"

"I wanted more! The meagre salary you gave me was a travesty! But now, with you and Edgard out of the way, I will finally get the money i deserve, and i'll fulfill my dream of running away with the man i love!"

P looked confused. "The man you love? i didn't know you had a boyfriend, cleavie! You secretive cad."

"Silence, infidel!" Mrs. Cleaver yelled as a nasty vein popped out on her forehead. "Yes, i have a boyfriend, and his name is...JOSH!" *dun dun dunnnnnn*

"JOSH? The leader of the banana gang?! How could you Mrs. Cleaver, he's the enemy!"

"I love him, not even you can stop that. And you will henceforth call me by my first name, Honey! Come Josh, let us make a speedy escape!" Josh materialized out of the shadows.

"Honey Cleaver?!" Suzy and P said incredulously. "Thats absurd!" shouted Suzy. "What kind of an affliction of a name is that?"

Honey Cleaver turned to stare at Suzy and laughed evilly. "For that you will die, foolish girl!" she reached under her coat and pulled out....

[Spitfire]

A violin case, from which she retrieved a collapsible, retractable, folding maypole.

P watched in terror as she began to unfold the thing, increasing its size by nearly 2 metres with every button she pushed and valve she turned. This was truly a machine of unfathomable and evil genius.

"P!" Suzy yelled from above. "P!"

Looking rather disturbed, P looked up.
"I can't! I have an enlarged prostrate!"

"No you inbred moron! I was calling out your name in dreadful horror! Dont you ever watch detective flicks?!"

Slowly, things started to boil in P's head. Being pissed on, covered in banana-mucus, nearly sodomized by two large but rather stupid apes and now being called an INBRED MORON?! There is only so much a man can take before his vision turns red and he desires to turn other things red as well. With a terrible scream, he rolled over and jumped behind a nearby couch. From his coat he plucked a coloring book and a red pencil.

"Redredredredredohmysweetcolorred..." He muttered, spastically coloring a picture of santa claus.

Meanwhile, Honey's maypole was nearly unfolded, reaching over at least 25 metres. Suzy shivered in fearful anticipation as the evil secretary pointed it at her.

"Mwahahahahaah! fear my wrath, oh puny mortals! For i shall wipe you from the face of the earth with my evil doomsday device!"

Now P's head popped up from behind the couch and in a childish, soft voice he spoke;

"But it's only a maypole..."

[Nex]

Meanwhile in Dr. "Gnat" Cruble's clinic:

"Doc!" The raspy voice said again and again. "Fucko! wake up! wake up you sleepy bum!"

Like lightning had struck him Dr. Cruble jumped up coated in a glistening layer of sweat. It had happened to him again.
Once bitten by the Shaolin temple's very own holy hypnotic snake he had times of chronic sleep during the day. Being a doctor this made his job not really easy. Especially on prostate exams, like the one with Detective John P. where Cumble had fallen soundly asleep during the process.

"Doc! Doc! Aw forget it." *click*

The phone, he had forgotten about gruffy's offer! Well.. too late now.

Slowly gaining some ammount of clearness in his head he looked out of the window expecting to see the usual picture of heavy rain falling down on the alredy wet streets below. But much to his surprise he saw something in the distance that reminded him of his shaolin training a long time ago--

"Its a may pole!!!" he was suddenly shireking in terror, causing the certificates and diploma on his wall to shake and tremble.

In a panther like movement he threw off his doctorcoat to reveal the muscle bulging body underneath, coated with many tatoos of various chinese symbols that he had never bothered to learn to read. Beside the fact that he could not read chinese he could not find his glasses too, since this Detective had been here to get his prostate examination.

"There is grave danger present. I have to fulfill my shaolin duty!" He screamed in an animal like roar, making the pedestrians below on the street wonder what was going on in Dr. Cruble's office again.

Will Dr. Cruble find his glasses? Will the maypole attract the 4 apocalyptic riders? Will diet coke ever taste good?

-


[This message has been edited by Nex (edited March 12, 2001).]

[nightmare]

Honey Cleaver pressed one final button the the maypole to reveal....! a synthetic hand! she poked the synthetic hand into Suzy's side and turned it to tickle. Suzy giggled.

"Stop that, i'm ticklish!" she said between giggles.

"I KNOW! I will tickle you with such ferocity that you will laugh yourself inside out, thus attracting the 4 apocalyptic riders who will proceed to play kickball with you as the ball until you reach valhalla! Where they will continue to play kickball with you as the ball! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"P! teeheee! you asshehehe hole! saaaave meee!" shrieked Suzy.

P peeked over the top of the sofa. He went down, came back up, and hurled a green crayon at Honey, which bounced off her trenchcoat, hit the floor, poked one of the strong but rather stupid apes in the eye, fell to the ground, bounced to hit a wall, ricocheted of that wall and jammed itself in the mechanics of the synthetic hand, stopping the tickling action. Enraged at the invasion of his eye, the strong but rather stupid ape attacked the first thing it saw, which happened to be Honey. The ape roared and leapt, beginning an all out WWF-style brawl. Josh stood by, looking on in horror. This was about the time Dr Crumble arrived, squinting his eyes and flexing his tattoo covered muscles. Josh turned to Dr. Crumble and.....!!

[Spitfire]

"OH MY GOD!" they both screamed at the same moment.

"Fluffy!"
-"Pumpkin!"

Crying of joy P fell into crumbles arms. Little did the world know that they had served in 'nam together but lost sight of eachother when they returned to the states.

"Pumpkin, sweetheart, you've lost so much weight over the years!" Sniffled P while nealry choking the life out of Crumble.

"I know, i know!" Crumble was overjoyed with the sudden appearance of his squadmate and long-lost lover. All those times they humped the bush, all those times they humped eachother, it all came back in a fraction of a millisecond and brought the tattooed ex-commando to tears.

Suzy, Honey and the strong but rather stupid Apes just stood there, a little tear appearing in Honey's left eye...

[Nex]

"STOP THAT! THIS IS DISGUSTING!!" Josh suddenly screamed, ripping the warm and tender atmosphere that had begun to build between P. and Crumble to shreds.

"Get them and bind them to the tree there.." Josh ordered the two strong but rather stupid apes. ".. they shall learn what it means to mess up with me."

[Brishen]

The two strong but rather stupid apes grabbed P by the nasal septum, each taking a nostril with their club-like index fingers and leading him toward the tree. Wait? What tree? Oh, that fake palm tree in the corner. Riiiiight. Anyway, the two strong but rather stupid apes dragged P across the floor by his nostrils, his wing-tipped toes leaving a wing-tipped line in the banana mush.

"Ooooow!" bawled P. "By doooooooose!"

They thrust P against the fake palm tree with their sweaty palms. A dull thud echoed throughout the room as P banged his head on a lovely bunch of coconuts. Slowly, as if sinking through water, his vibrant red crayon fell to the ground.

A hush fell over the room, so quiet... why, you could hear a crayon drop. Plink, went the crayon, and it rolled directly beneath Suzy's dangling foot. Suddenly, breaking the hush, there was the sound of one hand clapping. It was Edgard, Suzy's father. (He'd lost one hand in a terrible meat grinding accident. I don't want to talk about it.)

"Impressive." Edgard's distinctively but unexplainably British voice rang out. "Most impressive. But you are not a Jedi, yet."

He came sliding down the rail of the marble staircase with a Kamikaze, vaguely Swedish yodle, flew through the air, and tumbled across the floor. He might have landed on his feet, garnering a perfect 10 from the judges, but he planted squarely atop P's misplaced red crayon and was deducted a tenth of a point. Edgard screeched, Suzy yelped, and Honey Cleaver tumbled head over heels as Edgard stumbled into her, the red crayon again flying through the air.

Where will the crayon fall? Wasn't Suzy's father kidnapped? What the hell happened to Gruffy? And for the love of God, P, wake up!!!!!

[Nex]

"But dad,.. I thought they kidnapped you?!" Suzy scrieched in a mixture of curiousity and happyness.
"Well Suzy" he said with a strangely mechanical voice "there is something P did not tell you.."

with a dramatic gesture he waved his arms around, threw himself into a menancing pose and roared "...I AM YOUR FATHER!!! MUAHAHAHA!!".

A sudden silence gripped the room.
Even the two strong but rather stupid apes looked in puzzlement to the scenery that evolved around the little crushed red jedi-crayon.

"..but -- I already knew that, daddy" whispered Suzy, trying to fake a smile.

"Oh.. uhm. okay then" replied Edgar Sullivan in a suddenly much less mechanical tone "Just wanted to go sure."

Josh, obviously irritated by how the things had unfolded, stepped forward, trying carefully to avoid stepping into either pee, banana mush or a combination of both.

"See.. uhm" he began in a slightly shivering voice.. "m.. mm..me and honey o..oo..over there.."

"W..W w.." he stuttered.

It was pretty obvious to Suzy that Josh was not the person to win a spokesman contest.

"W. ..w w" he tried to continue

"We wanted to marry" said Mrs. Cleaver in an annoyed voice "the only person that could marry us however was your father over there"

Edgar Sullivan nodded in approval "I was a captain on one of those cargo ships over in 'nam. I was in the 234th support regiment and.."

"THE 234th?!!" Doc Crumble screamed, waking P from his slumber.

"Yes the.." Suzy's father wanted to reply, but suddenly found himself on the ground, being passionately hugged and squished by the tatooed ex. Shaolin.

"Don't you remember me?" Crumble sobbed, tears welling up in his eyes again.
"This one magic night.. near Saigon .. the day before the air raid.. you, P and me-"

"Oh.." Edgar Sullivan replied blushing tomato red and trying free himself of the passionate embrace..
"That night..."

Josh and Honey Cleaver looked at each other-

"Awwwww... thats sooo cute. C'mon Josh- lets just forget all this happened." Honey whispered in his ear "We could invite them to our celebration too..".

"Hmph." Josh grumbled and shrugged.

And so the 2 strong but rather stupid apes untied P and Suzy. Suzy fell into her fathers arms. P fell into Crumble's arms.
Crumble fell into Edgar's arm, causing P to hit the ground and fall unconscious again.
The two but rather stupid apes fell into each other's arms and Josh fell to the ground because she slipped on the slippery goo of pee and banana squish on the ground.


- THE END -
-
[EPILOGUE]

Honey Cleaver married Josh, leader of a mush and pee Gang, and they lived happily together.
Soon after P and Doc Crumble moved together to spend the rest of their lives in romanic unity -the glasses crumble had lost a long time ago were found again- and cleaned.
Gruffy Grapefruit found a bassplayer for his Hypercore Grindmetal Band, reached worldwide fame and won 2 Grammies and one teddybear in the lottery.
Suzy and the two stong but rather stupid apes became good friends and a week after that passionate lovers.
And Ed Sullivan bought a digital camera and earned a lot of money by selling explicit pictures over the internet.

------------------------------------
Cast in order of appearance:

Actors:
Detective John 'Fluffy' P.
'Honey' Cleaver
Suzy Sullivan
Dr. 'Pumpkin' Crumble
Gruffy Grapefruit
Strong but rather stupid ape #1
Strong but rather stupid ape #2
Josh
Edgar Sullivan

Script:
Brishen
Silico
Spitfire
el tigre
nightmare

Makeup artist:
Jess

Special Effects:
invisyblninja

Director of photograhpy:
Jezebel
Faustgfx

Sound Effects:
Giant Hampster
Loud
dr. bang

Cut:
Brain

Stunt coordinator:
Bishop_Six

Katana consultant:
Socar MYLES

-

No strong but rather stupid apes were sodomized in the production of this movie.
-




[This message has been edited by Nex (edited March 12, 2001).]

[Ragnarok]

Damn, I lost his!
You should do a longer one, so I can post something

And congrats everybody, funny stuff

[Socar MYLES]

Hehehe...katana consultant.... I like that. *Wanders off laughing in a slightly deranged fashion*

------------------
My old man's a dustman
'E wears a dustman's 'at
'E wears gorblimey trousers...
AAAAAAAAND....
'E lives in a council flat!

Hey, I made up a joke:
Q: Why don't goths go to McDonald's?
A: They might get a HAPPY MEAL!

Heh, heh, heh.